Discalimer: I am not an expert, but

As a kid, I dreamed of becoming a writer. Then a scientist and inventor (I did not understand the difference yet). Eventually, I settled for a programmer as I got interested in how video games are made. I got into programming at 13 and was absorbed by it through my teenage years until I got my first programming job at 17. No, this is not a story of a prodigy. I have never been one, and I will never become one. As I got into the world of commercial software development, I noticed how my relationship with programming changed. My confidence in my skills declined, and my motivation changed too. Expected, everyone has that.

And the takeaway? As a teenager in love with programming, I did not have high expectations of being productive and only writing universally useful software. Therefore I enjoyed the freedom of exploration and built things I wanted to, like a 3D rendering engine or an operating system. I lost that freedom when I started making money with programming. Now I feel forced to view programming as a tool. It only makes sense to program to create value for business, and rarely to have fun.

Spiraling down, I got burned out and started hating my day job (there were more things I hated the job for, maybe I will write about it later). As a culmination of my burnout, I quit my employment and embarked on a journey of running a tech company with two great co-founders. It is a breeze of fresh air, and I feel much more excited about technology and programming, but the freedom I felt before is just not there. I am still looking for it.

There is this idea of “not being an expert in anything”. As I wanted to become a writer as a kid, my interest in writing transformed into blogging when I took up programming and game development. Even though I was inexperienced or not an expert at anything, I had enough confidence to write about things I learned and things I was doing and share them online. I did not have a lot of audiences, and I even had a few negative comments, but I never felt discouraged.

With time, however, I acquired all the worst habits and beliefs that many, if not all, face: perfectionism, procrastination, distraction, and overwhelmingness. I have a hard time speaking up online and expressing my opinions. Because there is always someone who knows better. I am not an expert. I know a bit of everything, but I feel like I don’t know anything enough to have the voice of authority.

I started looking for answers and solutions. The turning point that made me do something about it was the book “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. It talks about the Resistance, the internal force that prevents us from doing meaningful work that we have a deep desire for. The Resistance manifests in various ways, like procrastination, negative self-talk, daily chores and jobs, external criticism, and even illnesses. An artist has to overcome the Resistance, by using tools like being persistent, consistent, resilient, and abandoning the need for external validation. Apart from being a destructive force, the Resistance can serve as a compass: whatever we fear and avoid the most is probably worth trying.

The blog you are reading is where my compass points at the time. This is an attempt to overcome my toxic beliefs and get inspired. This is my war of art so to speak.

In his sequel to “The War of Art” called “Turning Pro,” Pressfield talks about the importance of treating the craft as a professional, devoting whole yourself to it and being consistent but also limiting your love for it (which is a good idea if you want to prevent burn out). The author uses “pro” as the opposite of “amateur”. I believe there is a clear distinction to be made here. While you have to nourish a professional work ethic to be successful, you should control the expectations you set for the results of your work. If you set your expectations too high or strive to avoid failure, you will fall into the trap of the Resistance again. The fear of failure is one of the major causes of procrastination. The art warrior has to be prepared to face defeat and see it as a part of the process rather than the unfortunate end of it.

My conclusion would be: treat the process like a pro but treat the end goal like an amateur. Be consistent in your journey, but experiment and play with the results. Plan your game.